Sometime in August
I landed on a lily pad somewhere, found a toad to lick.
I was thrust to behind my mind & taught to view the world through a saint's eyes.
It has been about 6 months now, I have been seeing a professional about my mind.
As a child/adolescent I went through a lot - growing up too fast, abuse, poor moral bring-up & more.
I had always stomached it and said I will do well for others since I couldn't do anything (emotionally) for myself. I remember feeling trapped as a child, wishing I could escape, that I would suddenly grow-up like magic. Now that I'm an adult with real responsibilities and daily hang-ups, feeling lost and scared just isn't cutting it. I lost my job and went through a very hard time because of my mental health. Something that wasn't my fault, I am punished for. Such is the story of my life.
It has helped me see, though, how much of myself I put out. How little I get back. How okay I was with it. I'm having to reassess my friendships and relationships - people have been taking advantage of my kindness and good will, my willingness to 'let it go'.
I want to stand up for myself now, I want to feel good about getting out of bed, about watching the sunset. I'm tired of wishing today would end over and over again, wondering when I'll be so old I finally die. What awful things to wish, ey?
I want to rejoice that I am a being, I am a life & I have been given the coherence to enjoy the world. I am not trapped forever and subject to others' bad decisions. I am myself. One being. & I can't wait to finally live.
As I said, I have only been attending for about 6 months. But in that short time I have been able to get off medication and have FAR less panic attacks. I can go to work again! I can have a life again!
I am glad that I am the person I am; That I am patient, willing, caring. I love every being on this Earth. Our world is amazing and beautiful and I have always held that belief. But I only recently learned how wonderful I am and how unique I am in my caring and beliefs (on humanity and equality) - it feels really good to feel so aware.
Sometime in August I opened my eyes.
